"Now, as you celebrate that this product is going to expire real soon just remember it's actually humanity that makes things unbearably shitty."
Saturday, December 24, 2016
Saturday, December 17, 2016
Wednesday, December 7, 2016
I saw this video earlier this week and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm a successful person. I have a wonderful son. I have a family (blood and not) that cherish and love me. I was the first in my family with a bachelor's degree and the the only with a master's degree. I work for an award winning and cutting edge library and I love my career.
That doesn't stop the anxiety though. I always called the voice my Shadow (because I like fantasy and cope with things using it).
They don't really care about you. You're a waste. People just tolerate you. You're too needy. You're not a bad father. You're always going to be alone. You do more harm than good. Everyone would be better off if you just disappeared.
Don't get me wrong. I know these things aren't true, but that doesn't mean the thoughts don't crowd my head. When I'm not focused on a task the thoughts get too loud.
I fidget. I chew on my fingernails until they bleed and are tender for days after. I play with my beard. I run my fingers through my hair.
I break out in hives. Red bumps cover my skin. I itch.
I blog. I blog a lot. I have this blog and a gaming one. In the past year, I've made over 200 posts on the gaming one. I talk about projects I'm going to work on. Great plans. Grand schemes. They're just a momentary distractions.
I get fixated on things. I become obsessed with games or movies. I bug a friend about a cool idea that ultimately in the end we both know I probably won't follow through with.
But if I don't dream, hope, and try, then I go to a dark place that it's hard to come back from.
But I'm fine. Always fine. Ask me how I'm doing, 75% of the time, you'll get a forced smile and "I'm fine."
It's me. It's what I do. It's how I am.